Sunday, August 22, 2010

Dear you, yes you....

Dear newspaper,
I really wish you would remove the wedding section. You see, I'm addicted to your wedding stories. They always make me so giddy and then I start thinking of all my failed relationships, and well... you know where this is going.
Hopeless romantic.

Dear C,
You see, were suppose to work as a team. However I'm carrying all the weight. I don't appreciate that nor do I appreciate the fact that you bad mouth me to our other "ones". So if you could clean up your "high school" attitude and "high school" approaches I would greatly appreciate.
Your co-worker.

Dear M,
I'm sorry that you feel that all my time should be consumed by you. Unfortunately I am going on 22 and I have other priorities in my life. However that doesn't seem to phase you. I also don't appreciate the night that you thought I was asleep and you talked about me right in front of me. However I was awake and heard what you and D were saying and to be honest, I cried about what you said and now I know to not put all my trust and faith in you.
The betrayed.

Dear D,
I don't appreciate you treating me like an idiot. Nor do I appreciate the previously mentioned bad mouthing that took place when you thought I was asleep. Honestly you could be the biggest prick I have ever known. However I'm still there for you and you greatly take that for granted. One day I hope you see all that I do and you feel like the biggest ass-wad in the world.
The "brain dead", as you like to refer to me as.

Dear A,
Oh my gosh, guess what!! The world doesn't revolve around you, ge you head out of your ass and see the big picture.

Dear J,
Oh don't think I forgot about you. I'm on a roll here buddy. I really wsh you would quit pulling my heart strings and let me figure you out. That hug you gave me last ngbt is still lingering on my mind. And somehow I hate it. Get ou of my head and let me go on with my life. I don't feel like feeling for you anymore. It takes to much strength and I don't have much more to give.
The toy.

Dear AH,
I hate that you use me, then dispose of me. Well thats to your own expense honey. I'm done with that now. You should have wised up. Your relationship once again went down the drain, feel stupid now? Feel like a dumbass throwing everyone else away? You should.
The disposed

Anyone feeling my anger roaring? I'm normally not an angry person at all but here lately I have been failed repetitively and now all the odds are weighing against me and yes, my anger has finally exploded. One can only take so much before the ball drops and unleashes.

Lighter note, Happy Sunday!

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

the facts of life.

A few things have been dangling over my head lately. As soon as I wash away the little danglers, the damn things come back. All I keep thinking about it how basically, I have no one. Everyone I know, literally, has a boyfriend, husband, fiance, child... you get the picture. I have none of the above. I'm not saying I take my family for granted, because I assure you, I don't. But I still think it would be nice to have that special someone, something, that makes me individual from my family. Maybe 'individual' isn't the right word, but I know what I mean by it. For example, my sister has Justin and Jacob. She has her own life apart from my parents. Whereas, I feel like I'm just a 'floater'. Maybe these feelings were tapped into when I went to my fourth baby shower in less than a year. I have another one that'll be approaching soon, and once again in all selfishness, I'm less than thrilled. I know I should be happy for these people, however I can't help but to wonder when it's going to be my turn. Of course, I prefer 100% to be married first... yet that's not even on a jump start yet. Going on 22 and single. Honestly if you would've asked me a couple of years ago if I would be 22 and single I probably would've laughed in your face. I probably would have replied with a smirky comment a long the lines of, "me, 22 and single? haha ya right, I'll be on my way to Tiffany's!"


I know what they say, good things come to those who wait. Well guess what? That's the wrong thing to say to someone who's extremely impatient. I have gave what little patience I have a go, and it quickly made me more panicky. I'm not saying that being in my 20's and single is a horrible thing, but for me I would like to start that special something with that special someone. It's just not happening anytime soon.

Especially since my heart is torn over J and I can, clearly, not get him off my mind. Saturday night update: We didn't really talk much. My sister, BIL, and J talked the majority of the time while I sat all clammed up. I wish I could just be myself, that's the person that J originally became friends with. So why is this so hard? Like honestly, I feel like a little high school teeny bopper. Even more honestly, it SUCKS! I need to stop being so hung up on him. I need to come back down to earth and acknowledge the facts. The facts of life.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

What, why?

I haven't seen J in a couple of weeks. My feelings have faded and I try to forget about them all together. However he's on his way here and all I can think about is that gut wrenching feeling that won't go away. I have that pressure in my chest that makes me feeling like my heart is on the verge of exploding. Why now? Why couldn't I have already gone through the emotions? Instead I'm trying to sit here and ignore them and putthem in the back of my head with every chug of beer I take. I feel like I can't even interact with him anymore without being wierd. Possibly cause we were friends for so long and so close and now all of a sudden my heart wants to mess everything up.

Now he's here and I don't know what to do or say except to end this blog post and try to pull myself together.


Monday, August 9, 2010

soul search, or something like that

I've come to the realization that I've lost a lot of readers. Though I still have followers, not many read anymore. I don't know how I should feel l about this but I can't be upset. I haven't been able to post like I want to. My schedule is crazy nuts, but I feel as though that excuse can only run so far. However I'm looking into purchasing a new laptop. Actually a Mac to be precise. My PC is more of a hassle than any sort of enjoyment. It's slow, it's clogged, it's not what I need it to be. Furthermore, I'm working on a solution! So hopefully that will help me back to blognation. It would cut my posting time in half which I seriously need!

Anyways. Moving onwards...

My weight has been bothering the piss out of me lately. I hate that I let myself get this out of shape. I've never been this...this... Oh what's the word.... LARGE before. I find myself tossing and turning at night not being able to shift my weight to a comfortable position. When I do get to that position it only lasts so long. Scientifically speaking I don't know if that's the proper term or not, but I'm not obese nor am I too far over weight. But I'm personally uncomfortable in my skin. I want to buy clothes and get excited about it instead of worrying. When I use to be in shape, I'm not gonna lie, I was pretty damn fashionable. I want that weight back. Now the decision. Yes, I want to lose weight but where am I suppose to find my motivation? With my crazy work schedule it's hard to think about exercising and healthy choices. Somehow I have to find a drive within me. I was actually jus reading a blog where they had pictures posted and I couldn't help but to be overwhelmed with jealousy! I'm never really a jealous person, so this is where this post comes into place. I need to reevaluate who I am as a person and what I want from my life. I think by digging down to the source of my problem(s) will somehow help develop that drive that I want and need.

So wth this being said, I ask that you pray for me as I go on a journey to finding myself and realizing my true wants, desires, and drives in my life.