brighter spirits

Today has been relatively better than the last couple, I'm now in a rental car so it helps take away some of the constant reminders. Unfortunately I saw his picture, one I thought I would feel better once I could put a face to it but now I wish I never had. His family and friends are still in my prayers as well as the people that witnessed it due to the trauma. However I don't want to let this ruin my Christmas spirit, everything happens for a reason. I've been keeping myself busy to occupy my mind so with that being sai I thought I would try to do a fun little Christmas wish list.




Nars pressed blush. Color: Orgasm. It's a beautiful peach color with small gold specks to give a subtle glow. Ah! Love!



2012 Dodge Journey. This is what I'm currently driving as my rental. Obviously it has several upgrades such as Sirius radio along with a touch screen, but overall it's a great car with tons of storage and convenience especially starting brand new at $18,991. Just saying.



MacBook Pro. I mean um hello! It's gorgeous and amazing. At this point I would love to have a new computer regardless if it's a pricey Mac. My current laptop doesn't even have the ghz that is required to play a game I purchased and anxiously awaited for for months! Might I add the cd insert is missing its faceplate that randomly decided to fall off, the charging cord has to sit just right in order to keep the computer even on thus meanin it takes several minutes/hours just to attempt a single use out of it. Along with its slowness I could name off a million other things I dislike about my dinosaur of a laptop. ---no really, it's also bulky.



Keurig. Yessss please! A single cup of coffee is made my the time I get done taking my morning pee...what more can you ask for? No measuring coffee grinds, no clean a coffee stained pot, and very little maintenance...need I say more?

not pictured:
Ugg boots
Ottorbox-iPhone 4
Pearl earrings
MAC Eyeshadows-any color I love them ALL!
Victoria Secrets new "yoga" line.
A teacup yorkie or Australian sheppard mini.
Casserole dish with carrying case. For my future house of course.
The missing books from my Ellen Hopkins series
The Twilight saga DVDs. Yes I am absen from owning any but seen them all.
A quiet night for Honey and I (ya know jacuzzi suite and what not ;) )
A tree that grows money. If I come across one I'll inform you where to purchase it at ;)
A Bluetooth keyboard case for my iPad
A blender
A house. Oh what? Too much to ask for? sigh.

I could go on with some ridiculous wants but I'll stop there. This Christmas is not about presents, nor has it ever been before but emphasis on this Christmas due to circumstances of events, but more of spending time with my family and showing love. Honey's family has been extremely supportive the past couple of days and if I didn't feel it before I definitely feel apart of the family now. I couldn't ask for better future in laws. They are so amazing and loving and every sense of the words. I couldn't possibly asked to be surrounded by better people- my family, his, and friends.

If I'm not back before Christmas which I surely hope that I am, I hope everyone has the best Christmas possible. Love you guys!


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

trash the peas

I enjoy doing Mama Kat's weekly prompts but I don't do them on a weekly basis. I tend to have other things to post about or there's topics not really relating to myself/life ie. motherhood, kids, traveling...you get the gist. This week I'm going with...drum rollll please....

"your less favorite meal growing up"
Now I'm going to start this off by saying The Queen Bee is a beyond fabulous cook and baker. Being the spoiled blessed child that I was Queen always tried to incorporate something everyone at the dinner table was a fan of. So though I cannot choose a particular meal per se, I did decide to choose the new years day tradition that I fucking DESPISE!

Queen is a bit superstitious so every new years day you better believe she is shoveling a spoonful of black eyed peas on this pretty little mouth of mine! Yuckkkk!! It's suppose to guarantee you a good year but considering I've previously had some less than amazing years under my belt I don't believe in it AT ALL. And if that could get me out of the peas I would be more than grateful but it never works.

Any new years day traditions that you hate yet still take part in?

driving to the future

I've never really thought about my future, I mean sure I've thought about a future hubby and maybe some tots, but as far as expenses go for the past 22 years there was no real reason or drive there for me to do so. I had been single and really never thought I would find someone worth settling down with for several years, I would probably be in my thirties, so I've been living as a free bird. Maybe it was irresponsible to not be saving money all along for my future; when it comes down to it, I'm not a huge thinker on the "what-ifs" or "what could be's". In reality all along I've trained myself to not look towards the future but to stay in the present. The future generally scared the hell out of me: what if I'm that single old cat woman? What if I live with my parents till I'm 40? Oh the responsibility of growing up.

Here I am looking towards the future. Aside from all the anxiety that has been taking place, I'm forcing myself to look down the road and mixing the present with the future: what do I need to do now to get where I want to be then? If I could change one thing about my past it would be that I was more responsible with my money. I wish I would have learned about a savings account earlier on, and upon retrieving the knowledge I wish I would have taken it more seriously in reference to my future. Yet that's where I am at now.



via google images

Its that point in mine and Honey's relationship where we need to start thinking, planning, saving towards what we want a little ways down the road. We mutually agree that we prefer to save money for a house rather than renting. After sitting down and budgeting out all of my necessary expenses ie. car payment, car insurance, life insurance, gas etc. I realize now how much easier saving money would be if I would've saved all along and had a jump start. I'm starting at square one and if I want to get any sort of down payment for a house within the next six months-year I'm going to have to start crunching my spending. I'm going to have to opt out on the expensive shampoo I love so much and opt in for the one that may be just as good yet cheaper. In the end, if my car was paid off I would have much more room in my budget but its not due to be paid off till 2015. Which I plan on looking into refinancing maybe getting the payments down due to all the extra money vie already put towards it.




I've had so much anxiety over buying a house lately it's not even funny. When I look into all the costs that we will have to dish out it's almost nauseating. Can Honey and I do it? Of course we can. Its just going to take some time, planning, saving, and dedication.

I've never wanted something so bad in my life and I'm at that point where I will do anything and everything to get where I want to be. So goodbye my expensive makeup, goodbye my random shopping sprees, goodbye my love for iTunes. In the end, I know saving for a down payment will be worth it and now I finally have the drive and dedication to do it.

The Love: a list

If you didn't read Sunday's post, you might want to head back there and then read the posts between now and then. Just to catch up on what this week is about. ;)

There are so many things that I absolutely love about Honey, don't get me wrong there are many things that are less than awesome about him...such as his dirty dishes. I've decided to share some of the things that I absolutely love about him. (yea I know...mushy gushy)

1. His ability to make me laugh uncontrollably.
2. His child like ways- watching cartoons, getting excited about the latest Marvel related movie.
3. His hard work and dedication. He has a drive like no other.
4. His love he has for family and God.
5. His patience he has with me. I'm a diva therefore not the easiest to handle.
6. His kind heart and willingness to help others (which people often abuse this)
7. His love and support that he gives me. He is so supportive of me in so many ways.
8. His random acts of love. He doesn't always give me surprises or flowers but when he does it comes so unexpected and means more than anything.
9. Though he doesn't always listen, when he does he truly listens and pays attention to every small detail. --surprising me later with acknowledging it.
10. The way he knows when I'm in an uncomfortable situation (like the time I met his high school sweet heart that he had problems gettin over until he was 26) he gives me this look of reassurance that solves everything.

I'll stop at ten because I could go on forever. What are some of the things about your man that drives you wild, you love, or generally attracted you to him in the first place?


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

The Fate

If you didn't read Sunday's post, you might want to head back there and then read the posts between now and then. Just to catch up on what this week is about. ;)




Honey & I at our second football game together.

fate: Noun:
The development of events outside a person's control, regarded as determined by a supernatural power by God.

The turn of events leading up to mine and Honey's meeting is almost funny looking back. Obviously my 'episode' was not.
Event #1
You see Halloween of 2010 I was "talking" to a guy that really seemed to be going no where but still needed a date for my Halloween party. We showed up at one of my best friends house and were informed that unlike most years many people didn't show up. Needless to say it was still a good time.
Event #2:
Same best friend invited me to her moms birthday party that was being held at her BIL's land. I decided not to go because I didn't know many people but her and her family.
Event #3:
This isn't a specific event but numerous times same friend asked me to come to her pool parties. Never failed, I always had something to do or she caught me on a fat day where I didn't feel like exposing my love in a bikini.

So I pull up to Honey's house to go on our first date, the football game. When I pulled in there was a huge trailer with the words "---- Concrete" parked in his culdesac. Honey got in the car and to start small talk I informed him that one of my best friends brother in law owned ---- Concrete. He looked at me funny and replied something along the lines of "that's funny my best friend/roommates brother owns that" EXCUSE ME SAY WHAT!? My best friends sister is married to his best friends brother? Holy cow! That halloween party fore mention, Honey decided to go to DTown instead. Those pool parties never attended, Honey attended. That birthday party I declined, that had not quite arrived yet, Honey was attending (later deciding I would go as his date).

Funny story: best friends mom was totally freaked out. She had always considered him as a son and me as a daughter and here we are dating...off of a dating website.

Summer 2010: Honey finally came to terms with a past relationship being over, thus meaning he could finally move on.

By December 2010:
I had finally figured out what I wanted from a relationship and was no longer going to settle like once before.

If he would've been at that Halloween party, chances are we would've never started dating unless God planned our fate otherwise. I was with someone else at the party and at that point I was just looking to have fun. If we would've originally met in person it would've taken a lot more effort for us to be together. Just like I told him, I probably would've never initiated conversation with him because his look is extremely intimidating, um bald head and big muscles...he seems kinda scary.

There are many ways that him and I could've met yet never did. I call it fate.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

The decision

If you have not read yesterday's post, I suggest you go do that now before you get lost and confused as to what the heck is going on.

As previously noted, I made a decision. One that we will get to. Seeing that I was going to be going away for a month due to an overload of stress, my mothers and my relationship completely taking a turn for the worse, almost being kicked out of my house, weeks filled with suicidal thoughts... I knew I needed to get things sorted out. After going through my list of assortments I finally came down to the dating website. It was time for me to delete my account, it was obvious that I had not and would not meet my Prince Charming...it was apparent that he had been hit by a bus. Right before I deleted my account I stumbled upon the one profile that had continuously popped up on my "top matches". A profile that I gritted my teeth at because I already had the idea that it wasn't Him. I was bored, I decided to check the profile out, oh my God, enter life change.

(you can read more about this here)

I sent him a message, we chatted it up, changed numbers, I thought he was just going to be another failure. Through the text messages he seemed like he would be my type, I even got the weird butterfly feeling in my stomach...one I couldn't explain.

A friend and I were suppose to go to a Titan's game the following weekend (Sunday) and Saturday she told me she couldn't go and that I should take Boy. Hesitant I text another friend to get reassurance that this is what I should do followed by a text to Boy asking him to go. At first he said he couldn't because he had to go to his little cousins birthday party (major let down) and then before I could text back he sent another text saying "My roommate said I was gay if I didn't go, so I guess I'll be meeting you tomorrow". The hours leading up I was nervous as HELL! More nervous than I had ever been on any other date, including the ones from the website that failed miserably. I picked him up from his house because I didn't want him to know where I lived. He gets in the car and my word! He's bald!! Instant turn on. (don't ask...) We chatted the whole hour drive back and forth from the game. Had our first kiss at the game. One that left me lightheaded and a little uneasy.

After leaving his house and getting in my car it hit my like a ton of bricks. I'm going to marry that man one day. He was going to be mine and I knew it. My plans completely changed. I was on an adventure that I didn't want to end, and to this day I'm still on that adventure. That boy with the mysterious profile that continued to pop up was Honey. I knew I would love him then, I never knew just how much.

A year ago from today I met my soulmate. I met the man that changed my world, changed my views on life, changed my plans, changed the way I love. I never knew I could love someone so much. Though we're not engaged nor married we have often talked about it. It's just about timing just like meeting him was.

This week will be filled with all of the goodness that surrounded us finding each other.

Stay tuned...;)

a road to crisis vs. change

via google images
Exactly a year ago from today marks the day my whole life changed. A ray of sunshine peeked through my clouds, I came to several realizations, my road took a turn. Now you may be wondering what is up with the picture right above the text, I've never gone into full out detail about a major part of my life...some call it an illness, some call it a disorder, some call it a disease. Call it what you will. I suffer from have depression. I was diagnosed my freshman year with clinical depression and seasonal depression and was borderline major and bipolar. Last year at this time I was in my lowest of low. Hence "seasonal" depression, I was with the majority of being depressed during winter time unlike the minority being summer. I had gone as far as making phone calls to inpatient treatment facilities and making plans as to when I should go and who was taking me. I basically had everything mapped out. I was planning to go for a month or so, clear my head, get a lot of my chest, figure out who I am and where I'm going. Some may refer to it as the "looney-bin" I assure you, its nothing of the sort. Unless you're in the critical unit, you're not going to be seeing any straight jackets. They offer therapists and help you figure things out so on, so forth. Bottom line, I knew I needed help. I held off for a few days after making my plans, actually a few weeks due to work related instances where I knew I couldn't just disappear.

Within those weeks I had made a decision. A decision that would change my life forever.

That decision? Will be revealed Monday December 5th.

A Date to Remember

So I'm pretty sure by now y'all know my love for some Mama Kat, and chances are I probably do not need to profess my love anymore. However, once again I'm joining in on her weekly writing prompts. This weeks prompt?

Describe a memorable first date

Y'all should already know what date I will be posting about. Hehe. Mine and Honey's first date! Many of our friends know how we actually met, yet many don't. For those of you who have been following me for quite some time now, y'all should know...but for those newbies I'll let y'all in.

Honey and I met on a dating website. I was kind of to a point in my life where I felt I was never going to find someone who fit me or my lifestyle and really there's no where in my town to meet singles except for bars...no thank you. So on a whim I decided why not. I never posted a profile picture because I didn't want to put myself out there and in all reality after the first message was sent, I never truly expected us to even meet. The more messages that were sent, the more interested I became. The day after we finally exchanged phone numbers my friend bailed on me and told me she couldn't go to the Titans game with me. Um hello?! I have season seats, I don't pass up games! I needed a date and fast whether it be friend or hottie! So what does my coworker tell me? Invite mystery man. Um what? Seriously? So I text one of the girls that sits beside me at the games and introduced the idea to her. After many texts were sent back and forth I realized she had a good point. I would be surrounded by people I know and if the date went bad he could call a cab. (ouch... Lol) So I text mystery man and asked if he would like to join me.

The end, Ha! Not. Any who so at first my invitation was denied. He apparently had some sort of birthday party to go to for a cousin. After talking to his roomie/best friend he ditched the birthday party and decided to come along. I started to instantly panic. Literally. I couldnt even stay still, I was trying to decorate a Christmas tree and kept dropping the ornaments. Its funny looking back now though.

So the big day comes and I take forever getting ready, running us behind a little. I went and picked him up...what? Hello I met him off the Internet, of course I'm driving so at least if he's a serial killer I can drive myself to my death destination. He got in the car and I got nervous as hell. He's gorgeous. Better looking than the pictures. Oh my god he's bald. Holy smokes! Nervous. We get to the game. After a few beers we both are at ease and I quickly realized that this is the fastest I have ever fallen for someone. He is everything I want. We talked through the entire game maybe catching a play or two. And there it was, our first kiss. Sparks flying, angels singing, I want him. Bad. Come to find out his best friends brother is married to my best friends sister. There are always parties being held at my best friends parents house. It just so happened the ones I went to he didn't and vice versa. Funny story...her mom has always called me her daughter and she has always called him her son. So how in the world did it take the internet for us to meet? I like to call it fate.



The day after our first date I professed to my sister that he is going to be the man I marry. I still hold true to that statement today, I love him more and more everyday. For me to ask God for a better man would be a slap in God's face. He is everything I've ever wanted and perfect for me.

But come on...y'all already know how bonkers I am for him :)

A second chance to live

So once again I'm taking part in Mama Kat's weekly writing prompts. I didn't really expect to take part two weeks in a row because normally I only ever so often see a prompt that piques my interest. However, I feel like this is a great opportunity to tell you about an event that took place in my life, shook things up a bit, and changed my view on life as a whole. The writing prompt?
Tell about your first car

So after arguing with myself, more of debating, on how I wanted to write this post, I decided that I would go back to the old MySpace account and copy and paste the blog that I had wrote about it. I'm sure it doesn't quite make sense right now about why this would be life altering but it will all make sense in the end.



This is the night i got my first car, it was a lime green Volkswagen bug that my grandmother gave me. Obviously I was thrilled as all get out. I though a random planned trip to Florida was just for fun, whe. We arrived my grandmother brought me into the garage and there it awaited with a huge red bow on it. I couldn't have been happier.

A year later...

from the MySpace blog... (italics are what I have edited in)
If you heard about my wreck, or you haven't heres the full story of what happend tonight. 9/11/05.

I was on my way to Jeremy's my high school sweet heart house when I passed an SUV. Our cars were a little close so I decided I would kinda turn my wheel a little to get away from it. well I overcorrected & lost control of my car, I started to panic I didn't know what to do. I tried turning the steering wheel, but all hope was lost... I was going to wreck.

The next thing I know my car lands on my side (the driver side) Then bounced to the roof (meaning the car was upside down) then rolling to the passengers side, then rolling back to being upside down. The car finally stopped, I freaked. I knew I had to get out of it before it blew up. I didn't care about my cell phone or anything. I could have cared less. So I finally got my door opened and I crawled out of the car. I couldn't stand up so I crawled to the pavement. Luckily the SUV that I was passing saw it happen. [somehow?] So about 3-10 cars stopped. Getting out to help. By the time i figured out what was going on everyone was on the phone calling an ambulance & all that.

I looked at the lady in the green shirt, I was scared to death. All i wanted was a hug. I told her. So we hugged. Thank goodness someone was there to help. So eventually I sat down on the pavement. Called my parents, got yelled at, hung up on them, and sat in shock. I couldn't speak. I just wanted to be left alone. I looked back at my car & all you could see was this cute lil green bug flipped over with smoke exiting all four windows & the back.

The paramedics & everyone finally got there. My dad got there and yelled at me. Then Bret my very first boyfriend, I just so happened to crash right in front of his house...ironic right? & his dad came out. Thankfully they left cause I didn't want to be seen, I didn't want a crowd. So they put me in a neck brace because my neck was hurting. Then they put me on a bored & strapped me in. It hurt because my legs & arms were killing me.

So they finally put me into the ambulance because I was in shock. As they shut the doors, I finally started to cry. Patrick, the paramedic, asked me what was wrong. I told him that all I wanted was for my daddy to tell me he loved me and that he was glad I was okay. He grabbed my hand and assured me that he cared. I started crying harder. The finally hooked me up to everything and talked to me about my information. The information that I had already had to say 3 times before ever even getting in the ambulance.

I finally arrived at the hospital. They placed in a room, hooking me up to all this machinery. My back, spleen, & left hip were hurting. The back pain was hidious though. So they decided to do x-rays.

The doctor, cop, & nurse, & some weird lady came in and asked me all the same questions. "What's your name, address, ssc, age, were u wearing ur seat belt, etc." I finally got frusterated & made my parents answer all the questions.

I started crying all I could murmur was "I'm sorry." "I Love you" "Happy Anniversary" it just happens that it was my parents anniversary & "Please don't be mad" That's it. Besides that I was in shock, staring at the wall, not wanting anyone to touch me and just leave me alone to die in that tan colored room with a hidious trim border.

Then a nurse came in saying that there was someone here to see me. After wanting to talk to jeremy so long, here he came walking through my hospital door, crying as well. He's all I wanted to see. That is what calmed me down, taht is what dried my tears, that is what quit my legs from shaking in fear, and that is what made me know that from here on out, i want to be with him forever. obviously in high school. I didn't know what love was at the time, but as all teenagers I thought I knew everything.

After meeting his parents, I was actually on my way to his house to meet his parents for the first time. holding his hand, and closing my eyes praying... forty minutes later i was rolled away to get x-rays and stuff. Turns out everything was okay. After be poked and jerked and transferred and replaced everywhere... turns out, i'm fine. Just bumps and bruises, scratches & skins.

Now they've put me on two medications to keep my muscles relaxed and ot keep me calm. So i suppose i'll get off here. Cos they're kicking in. So theres the story on what happend tonight.
I'm the only loser who would actually get online and post their tragedy.

But i'm thankful that God was at the scene holding my hand as well at the hospital and on the car ride home. Never forget to tell your parents you love them. No matter how mad you are at them, once they're gone... you'll realize what all they truly do for you.

Never forget to tell you friends you love them & what they mean to you. You never know when you're last pillow fight will be. When you're last telephone call will end; When your last giggle & laughter will be. Never take them for granted.

...end post

Jeremy had went looking for me because I wasn't answering my phone and it scared him. He came across my car and seeing that it was totaled he thought I was as well. He drove back to his house to tell his parents he was going to the ER to see me and since he was such a wreck they wouldn't let him drive so they drove him. At the time I thought that I could take some pain pills and be brand new later. I didn't know that I would be twenty two and have issues with my knees and have horrible back pains.

This changed my life because I realized that in a blink of an eye, everything can change. Instantly. No turning back. Through this experience I learned to love more and love more often. Though I wish I still had my bug, as well as be able to do a sit-up without intense discomfort in my lower back, I would t trade this experience for anything. I had a key chain on my keys that said "lease drive safely" dangling from it was three little charms: a little bug, a guardian angel, and a car key. After the wreck was all said and done and keys were returned the only charm left was the guardian angel. I should have died in that wreck. Anyone who saw the car would have thought there was no possible way that I could have even thought of walking away from it let alone actually doing so. Still to this day I thank God for my second chance. A second chance to breath, love, live, and experience life all together.

And that was my first car.