Monday, January 25, 2010

Heart Broken

I have had the worst past couple of days, wait let's make that week. First it started with me being sick. I have a UTI (urinary tract infection) and though it was suppose to clear up with one round of medicine it didn't due to it's severity. I didn't really realize anything serious was going on so of course, just like anyone else who has spent the majority of their last few years in a doctors office, I procrastinated on going to the doctor, leaving me with a UTI so bad that it set up infection between my kidneys and galbladder. Which of all things that have happened that's really the least of my worries. Due to being sick I've been out of work for over a week and a half now which doesn't help me at all with a car payment coming up and no money to pay it... not even half of it.

So as if all this has not stressed me out enough, I went to my boyfriends house last night and broke up with him. Now, under most circumstances I should not be upset but under the circumstances that it is... I am devastated. He's going to be moving in August to San Antonio, Texas. I've known about the move but it was originally set that it wouldn't be for another two years so I really didn't find probable cause in breaking up with him because who's to say where we will be at in two years as a couple. Not only is my boyfriend moving over a thousand miles away but he's also my best friend. I think back to all the memories we have made together and I completely fall apart. What's a girl to do in my situation? Stay with him and endure the time we have left together? On the other hand, breakup with him and start the moving-on process? He has asked me to go with him but I really can't leave my family. I love him and he means the world to me but my family is blood and they mean more. I feel like it would be so much easier if we had just had a huge falling out and broke up. Yet we didn't, we're still in love with each other and really don't want to be broken up. Even though we're technically not together any more we still act like it. He still calls me, we still talk like nothing is wrong, we even still have sex. I don't think I've ever been so devastated over a break up. I mean, he even just sent me a message a few weeks ago on myspace telling me that he can see me being his wife if we can work through all of our rough spots... and now this. I could always hold on to the thought that maybe he might not end up leaving. That maybe he will end up finishing his school here and finding a job that he loves... but in all reality I don't want to hold on to any of that. Wishful thinking is not always the best because what's going to happen when he does move away and I fall apart all over again? Six months will have gone by of hoping and wishing... I just can't do it to myself. But what's harder is just sitting here letting the man I love walk away.

I have a million thoughts running through my head. I have a million tears running down my cheeks throughout the day. I can't eat, all I want to do is sleep... I'm miserable. There's always that saying though, "If you truly love someone set them free, if they come back it was meant to be". Until then, I'm not going to sit around and twittle my thumbs. I have to move on with my life. I have to put my big girl panties on and realize that "shit happens" and I'm going to have to get over it. I just wish for once in my life I wasn't dealt the shitty hand of cards. That I actually could get a hand of cards that won it all.

I can honestly say I'm not myself right now. All the thoughts running through my head is driving me crazy. I can't think right, thus leaving me to not act right. I feel mentally paralyzed and half way speechless. I know what I want to say but the thoughts are cluttering my speech. Maybe the next post will be half way decent.

Our First Date

No comments:

Post a Comment

Feel free to be a whore, a comment whore that is. I respond straight to your email, because I'm just that fabulous. ;)