Friday, May 6, 2011

Real housewife? Think not.

Mama’s Losin’ It


Mama Kat is at it again, as always. Though I'm a day late and a blog post behind, I'm still going to feature one of her writing prompts this week.

ten reasons you're not a real housewife of any county

Where do I start?! Oh yeah let's state the obvious.
1. I'm not a wife, at the moment. No ring, no vows, nada. Even though this didn't stop Gretchen from being on the show nor Jeana... Oh and Tamera got a divorce too. Maybe I could still make the cut if I was divorced or a gold digger engaged to a 80 year old man that's on his death bed. I'll think about it.

2. I walk around naked too much to ever be on television. Unless the Playboy channel or HBO wants to do a series called "The Real Naked Housewives of the Southern Counties" I probably won't be making the cut anytime soon. (if any channel makes a new series called that in the near future, someone let me know so I can sue for the robbery of my idea. Just saying)

3. I don't own a mansion. Nor a penthouse. Nor a yacht or shiny private jet with leather upholstery, an attentive butler and a mini fridge complete with bourbon, grey goose, patron, and fruity cocktails. Wait is it too late to sign up for these shananigans? Cause I could totally get use to that lifestyle. Just saying.

4. My boobies are silicon free. My face has never had a knife near it, except for that one time when my clumsy feet got in my way and I busted my chin open...but I don't think that counts.

5. I don't have snotty nose brats running around using the credit cards that I don't own and brushing it off my shoulder like, oh but they deserve it. Get a life and freaking discipline your rug rats that are 20 years old and never had a job or a spanking. Obviously this peeves me.

6. I work a 40+ hour week. Therefore I don't have time for luxury vacations, my vacation amounts to me going on a canoe trip, not going to a foreign island where I can't even pronounce the restaurant I'm eating at let alone understand what the hell I'm ordering off the menu. Dude gimme a cheeseburger and fries. Sushi will work too.

7. I don't wear heels 7 days a week. Normally 7 days a week I'm wearing workout pants and jeans, not dresses and mink coats. Obviously, this would not make the cut.

8. I still live with my parents. Self explanatory? I think so.

9. I don't want a camera in my face. My business exposed. And then world exploiting my name. I'm pretty sure my tabloid free lifestyle is much more beneficial than having every fart caught on camera, ever shit I take recorded, and every cuss word and f bomb bleeped out.

10. And last but not least, I'm too fucking awesome for television. If I were on tv everyone would quit their accomplishments and become couch potaters glued to my not so fascinating life. My personality? Too cool for tv. my relationships? Too good to be split up and broken by reality nonsense.

Could you be a real housewife? Think before you answer ;)

5 comments:

  1. OK you just made me laugh out loud oh and add they would totally have to sensor the f word way to much bhahahahahhahahaha I love you lady your so funny! Thanks for the smile :)

    xoxo
    Sums

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  2. Love it! I agree #2 would be a problem for me too. Although I should probably reign it in when my daughter gets older, so she doesn't bring some startling photos into show'n'tell.

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  3. I think everyone agrees with the heels and how they cannot be worn by a normal person all the time. lol

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  4. I couldn't be a real housewife either - I don't watch the series but I saw Nene on "The Apprentice" and if that's an example of the drama on those shows, then I really know I can't be a Real Housewife!

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